favourite lines from The Bellwether, chronologically
"As he lugged the paper bag at his side, he thought about the soothing, rumbling ride and how it had been interrupted by a glance up at the placard above the train car’s window to see a single green letter identifying the train he rode: G.
“Hey, G,” Heath said quietly.
“Hey,” Jake said, long-time-no-see included in the tone. “No, no macaroni, I think cheese has been fucking with my stomach,” Jake said to an unseen companion. He laughed at something Heath couldn’t hear.
“Bad time?”
“Nah, just talking babies and birth and all that jazz with the family. But you’re the expert now, I should be calling you!”
“Heath?”
Heath sat down on the cool floor next to the glass-framed doorway and played with an umbrella he found laying there.
“Yeah. I don’t want to…interrupt your time; I know there’s so little time…”
“Something’s wrong.”
“I was just expecting Mozart and I got your voice instead, I was just gonna leave you a mess-“
“Hold on.” Heath could hear muffled voices and laughter and then silence.
“Ok, we’re alone. What’s wrong, man?”
We’re alone. Hearing Jake say those words made Heath close his eyes and he didn’t feel the need to open them anytime soon.
“I took the train today, and I got off at Bergen Street, and thought about Tim Robbins being there filming a movie-“
“Jacob’s Ladder,” Jake interjected.
Heath smiled to himself. Of course Jake knew that.
“Right. And I was thinking about how he is a real actor in my eyes.”
Jake put on his fake black guy voice. “Oh, so what you trying to say, I’m not a real actor and shit? I thought you was in my camp.”
Heath wanted to laugh but he felt something inside his chest giving way and he wasn’t going to try and stop it.
“Jake, am I a good actor?”
Jake’s tone turned serious. “Have you been getting high again?”
Heath hung his head as he snapped and unsnapped the umbrella’s closure.
“No, I told you I wouldn’t.”
“Well, then what the fuck is this? I know you ride the train sometimes really late at night, to clear your head, right? Ok, but we’ve talked about meditation and I told you that the object is to clear your mind and submit to your core being, not focus on negative thoughts. Wait a minute, what are you drinking?”
“Just a soda, nothing harder than soda, mate.”
“Then where is this coming from? You did get nominated for an Academy Award; you think they toss out those nominations to the underwear models with two picture deals?”
Heath couldn’t hold the tide any longer and he let the waves crash forward.
“But I didn’t fucking win it and I may never be that good again in anything, ever! Do you remember what I almost became? Not that long ago. Pretty boy piece of shit, that’s what! What if none of this is real, could I be a fucking fraud, because that’s what it feels like to me sometimes, G.”
“Why did you lie to me, “Jake whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“After the Oscars, I asked you if you were alright with losing and you blew me off, saying you were glad you didn’t have to give a speech. Why didn’t you tell me how you really felt about it?”
Heath threw the umbrella down and crumpled the soda can between his palms with a quick squeeze.
“I felt like an ass, like it shouldn’t matter to me.”
“You don’t have to act for me,” Jake said gently. “The real Heath will do just fine.”
“Whoever that is.” He took a breath. “You’re such a friend to me, Jake; I wish everyone could know what you’re really like.”
“An affair with the G train,” he smirked into the floor, his eyes filling with tears.
“You said that this garden was Michelle’s favorite part of the house. What’s yours?” Jake retuned his unlit cigarette to the pack.
Heath’s breath caught slightly; no one had ever asked him that before.
Heath led Jake into the master bathroom, barely making a sound. Heath turned on the light and pointed skyward.
“There it is, my favorite part of the house.”
Jake gazed up at the skylight and gasped.
“Wow, so beautiful. Was this here already?”
“No, it was my idea,” Heath said proudly, “didn’t take nearly as long as laying all of this tile.”
Jake poked his fingers at the tile admiringly and looked up at Heath. “Ready to turn in?”
Heath nodded, swallowing hard. The hue of Jake’s eyes exploded against the tiles and he felt his heart speed up.
Jake switched off the light to leave the bathroom. The light from above danced off of the walls. Heath felt the warm shadow of Jake’s body behind him. Heath had never liked having his back to people, a quirk exacerbated by his fame. But there was none of that threatening now, it was all benevolence, all trust, all Jake.
The real Heath will do just fine.
Heath turned slowly to face Jake. He couldn’t see the finer points of his face in the dark which was just as well. He took a step forward and leaned in close to Jake’s body. Summoning all of his courage, Heath pressed his lips to Jake’s, as softly as he could. The feel of Jake’s lips was intoxicating, addictive. He smoothed his tongue on the inside of his friend’s lips, not too deeply, just a taste. Jake sighed softly into Heath’s mouth and Heath felt a thudding ache in his groin in response. The euphoria of being this close was almost too much; he felt his private thoughts exposed, the mysteries of his heart hanging right there between them. Every cell in his body felt alive, nothing in that moment but the two of them. Heath pressed closer, running his hand to the back of Jake’s neck, could have cried out from how soft his hair was at the nape, indulging his hand there. Their lips brushed and pressed, apart then together. Heath absorbed every sensation of Jake returning his kiss.
Jake, not Jack.
Jake broke the kiss and switched the light back on. His eyes were swimming with calculations, probability, outcomes, not wanting to guess, wanting to hit the proper mark with his words.
“Tell me,” he breathed finally.
“Tell you what?” Heath whispered.
“Whatever it is that you’re not telling me,” Jake replied slowly.
Jake’s precision had tripped all of Heath’s sensors like dominoes and he had not projected himself this far into the moment.
Heath went silent.
Jake gave Heath a few seconds to respond, but then moved past him toward the door. Jake glanced over his shoulder quickly and left, closing the door behind him.
See you for supper.
Heath leaned over the sink with his head bowed low as if in prayer.
Heath shivered on the cool floor, looking around for a towel to put over him. “It’s cold in here. Missing the covers, right about now.”
“Is that where you want to be, Heath? Under the covers, in this bed, with me?” Jake asked.
Heath gasped as his stomach contracted; his body sick with want. “Are you in the house?” was all he could say.
“Mm-hmm,” Jake murmured. “Can’t be in the same room right now.”
Heath nodded as if Jake could see him. “I was so afraid that you would leave, that I had really messed us up in that moment.”
“Are you ever going to tell me what that moment was about?” Jake’s voice was so full and deep that Heath didn’t want to say anything at all, wanted Jake to keep talking, to keep squeezing Heath’s groin with his voice. “Again with the silence,” Jake said after a moment had passed.
“I shouldn’t ask you this, and God help me that I am, but do you…have you ever…is it just me doing the wanting?” Heath choked.
Jake chuckled softly. “Were you not there in that bathroom? You took my breath away. I would like nothing more at this moment than to lay you down in front of me, give it to you, take it from you, whatever you want it to be. But I’m not that kind of person, Heath. You seem like you are about to break apart and I have to know why before I take this any further.”
Heath felt his security evaporating, retreating quickly under the dawning day, too much light pouring over what he had fought to conceal. He locked eyes with Jake. The dark room door had been kicked down; his eyes displaying it all like shifting photographs. Heath watched Jake. Jake had seen.
“Oh…God,” Jake whispered, gripping the bridge of his nose with his fingers and leaning over the side of the fence. “You have feelings, you feel something.” It wasn’t a question.
Heath watched the kale green water of the river rush by, knowing that he was no more in control of what he felt than he was over the river that heard his secret. “Yes, I do. It’s not…sex, it’s…I want things from you I have no rights to.”
Jake didn’t look up, kept his eyes closed. “How long?”
Heath searched for an answer. “I don’t know, it was like a, like a dream that kept coming, and all of a sudden, it became real. And then you were in all of my thoughts, not just the dreaming ones, but the waking ones, too.”
Jake startled and pulled Heath away from the fence. “It’s getting too crowded; we gotta get out of here.”
“I want…want you to kiss me, like in the bathroom” he whispered. Jake put his chest flush against Heath’s and waited to be invited in closer.
Heath felt an absurd tingling down his arms and legs as he pulled Jake into his lips and held him there. He laced his fingers through Jake’s hair at the back of his neck, pressing his fingertips into the top of his spine. Heath pushed his tongue against Jake’s and breathed in the scent of gum and cigarettes, licking the inside of his mouth. Jake groaned and pulled Heath’s hands from behind his neck to slide them underneath the waistband of his briefs, guiding them around his hips, squeezing.
“If we ever…do this, I mean really do this, then this is where I want you to hold me, right there, right there,” Jake panted. Jake lowered his head, gathering his control. “You remember that, for someday, but right now, I have to stop this, or there’s no stopping it.”
“I want to make you come,” Heath growled low, flicking his tongue in Jake’s ear.
“Not here, not like this.” Jake rose up and swung himself back into the driver’s seat, zipped up his pants and buckled his belt. Jake leaned back into the seat with a sigh and rolled his head towards the passenger seat.
“I’m not trying to fuck with you, or be a cockteaser. It’s just more than this for me, you know, a rental car in the middle of nowhere. You could give me a hand job, but I’ve always been a sonofabitch like that, I want more. And don’t think it’s easy, because goddamn, you are sexy, I hope you understand.”
Heath thought about his strict masturbation rules. Yeah, he understood.
Heath put his head in his hands and laughed. “Now your noble streak makes my orgasm look so cheap and selfish.”
Jake turned the ignition and put on his seat belt. He started punching the buttons of the radio as if it were a calculator.
“No, your orgasm was great,” Jake snickered. “Trust me I was there, and it was-“
“Just drive the fucking car, G, I have to piss.”
“The best part is you seem to honestly not know how…” Jake stopped short and crouched down to run his thumb across the freckles on Heath’s nose and cheeks. Heath’s face went hot and he was plagued by the delirious/nauseous sensation again. Love felt entirely too much like food poisoning. Jake pulled Heath to standing.
“I thought I was going to be here long enough to see these flowers open.”
Heath looked at the same flower with the same eyes. Would he ever open up all the way? Would Jake be there to see it? He felt a twinge in his chest. The world’s timing may not be calibrated with him and Jake in mind. Somehow they could be in each other’s lives, and still miss the right week in spring.
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” Jake said in a low voice.
Heath felt the air in his lungs split up in different directions, leaving nothing behind for him to breathe.
“I can’t stop thinking about a lot of things,” Heath admitted. “Good thing I’m broke as hell from buying this house, I almost bought a Mercedes.”
Heath could hear Jake smiling. “Remember what I asked you, before I left?”
Never forget that moment as long as I live, thought Heath. “Yeah, I do. Is that an invitation?” Heath surprised himself with that one. Flirting? Was this part of it? Even with a guy?
Jake was quiet for a moment. “Leaving you like that, it didn’t feel right. And I’ve been feeling that way ever since I left Brooklyn.”
“I’ll be there, give me a few days” was all Heath could think to say.
They mumbled their goodbyes, swallowing hard on any lingering sentiments.
After 3 loud knocks, Jake opened the door with a smile. Not a bold one for a camera, but a shy one for a crush. Heath smiled back, touched by Jake’s reticence.
Jake stood up and held his hand out for Heath to take. Jake walked backwards through the living room, miraculously averting 2 months worth of the New York Times while holding Heath’s hand, facing him. “Hungry?” Jake asked.
“Starved,” Heath replied. This was how Heath liked Jake best. He was wearing blue shorts and a grey sleeveless T-shirt. He was barefoot and his hair was sticking up like a little boy just up from a nap. His facial hair was grown in some, reddish brown on his chin and lip. Heath wondered if Jake somehow knew his preferences as it wasn’t like Jake to not fuss over his hair. Or so he thought. Maybe there were a lot of things that he didn’t know about Jake’s daily life.
Heath smiled at the sight of Jake’s small kitchen. It was perfectly in order. There were utensils hanging neatly on the wall and his cookbooks were organized and grouped by category. Jake was serious about cooking in every city, it seemed. His stomach was growling audibly and he hoped whatever they were eating was quick. Microwave popcorn was sounding pretty good, but he knew that Jake didn’t buy or eat processed food. Heath went to lean against the narrow pantry door while Jake was occupied in the refrigerator.
“I have to have a sit-down while I’m here,” Heath said crossing his arms over his chest.
“With who?”
“With Phillip Noyce. We’re doing ‘Dirt Music’, shooting outside of Perth. Next year, I think. Didn’t you meet him at the pre-Oscar party?”
Jake turned around with a huge bowl in his hands, kicking the refrigerator door shut. He set the bowl down on the counter and pulled off the plastic covering.
“Are you kidding me with that? Dude, I was so fucking wasted at that party.”
“Is that when you slept with, um, what's her name?”
Jake squinted up into the ceiling with a perplexed half-smile on his face. “I…guess…”
“You guess?”
“So much interest in who I sleep with, need to start asking you some questions.” Jake shot Heath a teasing look while he mixed whatever was in the bowl.
“Ask away, if I've been in a photograph with her, I've probably slept with her,” Heath quipped.
“What about the chick in New York you were chatting up outside the liquor store, her too?”
Heath spread his arms wide. “You were taking forever in there, what do you want?”
They both laughed and Heath felt some of the nervous tension start to dissipate.
“It's good to see you like this, laughing.” Jake bent down to fetch some bowls from a cabinet underneath the counter.
It was hard for Heath to laugh. He felt guilty about being in California with Jake while Michelle was taking care of Matilda and fielding questions about her father. Then there was the matter of what he was doing here. Not just visiting a friend, but consorting with a lover. Heath walked in Jake’s front door a friend but he knew he would walk out as something else entirely. It was in the air all around them, the current that passed through their fingers from skin to bones when they touched, their eyes drifting over one another not seeing enough, wanting to see more.
Heath had no idea how Jake turned salad ingredients into sex, but somehow he found eating alone with Jake to be very arousing. The salad was an incredible mixture of bitterness and fruit with strips of rare beef on top. At first thought, Heath had sulked privately over the concept of salad for dinner. But the competing flavors were divine and the wine they sipped made him feel heady and open, like they were eating outdoors. Jake’s dining room was a small, round table in the corner of the kitchen. The room was losing its light to the evening and the single lamp from the living room fashioned a warm glow. Their long legs were entangled underneath the tabletop, Jake’s bare legs against Heath’s denim, their calves and thighs pushing and pressing because there was no one there to say anything about it. They watched each other openly, not stealing glances, staring full on, in silence.
Heath finished first, eating too fast, as usual. Jake chewed and sipped more slowly, wiping his mouth to signal that he was done.
“So, anything you want to do?” Jake asked as he stretched his arms and legs wide so that he resembled an ‘X’.
Heath wasn’t sure how to answer. Let’s kiss and not stop at the place where we stopped before. Could he say that?
“Honestly? Lie down. I’m beat and I might have that meeting tomorrow.” Well, that was sort of close.
Jake ignored him while he opened the window. His face soon disappeared behind a cloud of smoke. “My mother loves you. I don’t have the heart to tell her that you don’t read.”
Heath sucked his teeth as he pulled two books out from under his back that must have been lying on the bed. “I do like books, but my mind wanders while I’m trying to read, hard for me to focus.”
Jake took one of the books from Heath. “I’ll read to you then. Ok, let’s see,” he said, turning the book over in his hands, the cigarette dangling from his lips. “Yeah, this is great stuff. Seven Commentaries on the Gallic War, there’s some debate about the translation but it’s refreshing to read new takes on ‘Alea iacta est,’ crossing the Rubicon and all of that.”
“And that would mean…” Heath gestured for Jake to continue.
“Alea iacta est means ‘the die is cast.’ This is what Julius Caesar said when he crossed the Rubicon River with his legions. They weren’t supposed to go past Gaul, which is like France, now, I think, so it was an act of war, and there was no turning back after that. It’s not like Caesar could just offer a Roman handshake, say ‘my bad,’ and undo everything.”
“What’s a Roman handshake?” Heath could see the outline of Jake’s cock through his thin cotton shorts, so he sincerely hoped that this handshake involved them touching in some way.
Jake quickly stubbed his cigarette out on an ashtray that was shaped like a four leaf clover on the windowsill. “C’mon, get up, I’ll show you.”
Heath stood up in front of Jake. Jake clasped Heath’s forearm, wrapping his fingers against the elbow’s joint, his thumb cradled below the bicep.
“This is a Roman handshake,” Jake said.
Heath copied the gesture on Jake’s arm.
“What does it mean?” Heath asked.
“In Ancient Rome, it's how you would greet someone you didn't know well. Men concealed their weapons strapped to their forearms. So if the person was armed beneath his robe, you would feel it. It would be a message, like don't fuck with me."
Jake tightened his grip to demonstrate.
Heath stepped forward, bumping chests with Jake, sending him flat to the wall. He reached his hand in between Jake's legs and stroked with two fingers, back to front.
"Funny, I thought this was a Roman handshake." Heath brought his lips as close to Jake’s as possible without touching, sent his tongue out to lick and tasted the wet fruit of the wine on his lips, his hand still on Jake’s cock. He felt it jump at his touch and Heath knew that he had never wanted someone so much.
Jake stepped back and pulled his T-shirt over his head. Heath sat down on the bed, watching. Jake let his shirt drop to the floor. Heath reached out to stroke the swirled hair on Jake’s stomach. Heath wound his fingers around his hips and pulled him closer, burying his face in Jake’s torso, licking his navel, spreading his legs to pull Jake between them. Heath's hand absorbed the spasm that shook Jake beneath his lips and tongue, as he kissed and sucked all over his stomach. Jake urged his fingers through Heath’s hair, rocking on his feet, moaning low and sweet. Heath stood up, took Jake in his arms and palmed his shoulder blades.
"You love me?" Heath whispered.
“Yesss,” Jake hissed into his ear.
Heath felt his rib cage knit together trying to hold it all in, everything inside was bursting. He held Jake’s face between his hands and kissed his lips, the hair tickling a little, his fears and the loneliness falling away. Their tongues mingled softly and Heath reached down to pull at Jake’s shorts, easing down his briefs at the same time. Jake didn’t break their kiss as he kicked his clothes off of his ankles. Heath felt Jake’s cock stiff between them and pulled back a little to see Jake’s eyes misted over, their dazzling color pacified by lust.
“I don’t know what to do, show me,” Heath said, stroking Jake’s hair across his temple.
Jake broke away and turned the bed down while Heath took off his clothes. Jake turned around and stared at Heath’s nude body before pulling him down onto the bed and crawling on top of him. Heath couldn’t get enough of Jake straddling him and didn’t know long he was going to last. Jake’s balls were resting on top of his own as Jake leaned back onto his thighs and Heath’s legs were squirming with the thought that whatever they were about to do was actually going to feel even better than this. Jake leaned his upper body forward and kissed Heath’s neck and ear, flicking his tongue across an earlobe, biting there and pushing his dick against Heath’s, groaning with the motion. Heath could feel Jake begin to sweat and he ran his fingers across Jake’s ass, cool and damp.
“I can’t last like this,” Heath panted. “Wanted this for too long, don’t want to come yet.”
Jake backed off of Heath and pulled open the small wooden drawer of the nightstand. He pulled out a bottle of lotion. He took two of Heath’s fingers and squirted some there. He crawled on top of Heath again and bent down to his ear, arching his back to lessen the contact between them.
“Take your index finger, stroke my ass with it, push your finger in and stretch a little, try to keep your nail from digging.”
Heath nodded, terrified. Jake relaxed against his chest, his chin resting over Heath’s shoulder. Heath rubbed his finger inside of Jake’s crack, feeling for the hole. He nudged his fingertip in, curving the joint slightly so that his nail wouldn’t slide against the flesh. Jake’s back rounded as he sucked in his breath, moaning softly into the pillow. Heath slid his finger in further, the tight muscle accepting him as Jake exhaled, opening himself.
“Another?” Heath whispered.
He felt Jake’s head nod against his neck.
Heath pushed his index finger gently against the rectum wall and pushed his middle finger in alongside it. He didn’t slide them in and out, just let them rest there. He wanted to do this right more than anything, he wanted to get as close to Jake as he could; never could get close enough.
Jake turned his head to brush his lips on the top of Heath’s ear. “Uh…hmmm…that’s it. You ready to cross the Rubicon?”
Heath brought his free hand to the back of Jake’s neck, rubbing. “I’ll cross anything with you.”
Jake pulled away from Heath’s fingers and reached for the lotion again. Heath ran his hands over his stomach while Jake took Heath’s cock into his hand, smoothing the lotion over it. Heath knew he wasn’t breathing when Jake lowered his ass onto his dick and rolled his hips down and forward.
Heath’s eyes rolled back into his head. “Holy fuck,” he shouted. He had never felt anything like it; the tightness, the heat. Jake waited patiently for Heath to stop bucking and put his hand over Heath’s stomach, hushing him, patting him. Jake sat up on his knees and pushed back onto Heath, gripping his biceps and letting his head fall back. Jake started to moan as he got into a rhythm and Heath reached down to stroke Jake’s cock. Heath kept his eyes open to watch himself wrap his fingers around the swollen flesh, gripping Jake’s rushing pulse in the palm of his hand.
“Yes…so good…so fucking good,” Jake cried out, his eyes screwed shut, his tongue licking the corner of his mouth.
Heath felt the pressure building, and he thrust up to meet Jake.
To his surprise, Jake stopped moving and smiled at him. Jake bent down to kiss him and nibbled at his bottom lip. Jake moved off and rubbed more lotion over the head of Heath’s dick. Heath shuddered and felt like he could explode if Jake touched his cock one more time. Jake lay down on his back.
Heath moved between his legs and Jake slid his legs over Heath’s shoulders. Heath couldn’t believe how hard he was. He guided the tip of his cock to Jake’s ass when he felt Jake stop his hand. Heath looked down at him, wondering if he had done something wrong.
Jake’s eyes were wide and pleading. “You’re holding back. Let it go.”
Heath dropped his head and pushed his cock inside, barely able to stay on his knees, the pleasure like an ocean wave threatening to knock him back into the sand. He thrust in and out in long strokes, never pulling all the way out, never wanting to leave this body.
He gripped Jake’s hips tightly, remembering. “Is this how you want me to hold you, hmm, like this? Like this?” he growled softly.
Jake thrashed his head on the pillow, writhing wildly. “Yes, just like that, fucking shit!” Jake moaned deeply.
Heath moved his hands up to Jake’s ankles and thrust downward, hard and deep. He felt a mushy bulge rub against his cock and Jake lifted his hips up off of the bed, wild and yelling. “God, Heath…please….uhhh…don’t stop, don’t stop!”
Heath took the same angle, stroking and pushing, wanting to grab Jake’s cock in his fist but paralyzed by the intensity of the climax overtaking him. He felt Jake’s muscles tighten around him and he watched Jake stroke himself stiffly twice before he shot onto his stomach, letting out a long groan from his throat.
“Jake, Jake,” Heath cried and he let it go. The stabs of ecstasy in his groin crushed and released him in the same breath.
“Hey.”
“Yeah?” Jake’s voice rose over the sound of the water.
“I have to go to the bathroom.”
“So go.”
That wasn’t the answer Heath wanted. He tried another approach.
“Is this the only bathroom?”
“This place is old, so yeah. More than one bathroom is a 1980s phenomenon.”
Heath didn’t really want to hear Jake’s monologue of real estate trivia about pre-Reagan era condominium architecture. He just wanted to sit on the toilet.
“Well, it’s all of that roughage you fed me for dinner and now I need private time in the bathroom” Heath said as he swung the door open wider.
“Jeez me Christmas, can’t you just turn on the fan? I’m not done,” Jake called out. Heath waited a bit but Jake didn’t make any moves and even started humming. Heath could sense that Jake was toying with him and his stomach didn’t have time for it.
“I don’t like other people in the bathroom with me when I’m taking a shit, so can you just get out?!” Heath shouted.
The knobs squeaked as Jake turned the shower off. He forcefully slammed the white plastic shower curtain back on its rollers. He had gathered a towel that was too small for him around his waist and gripped the chrome towel rack with both hands. His face was red and he was laughing hysterically. Jake stumbled out of the shower and over to the doorway where Heath was standing.
“Do you want me to fold the toilet paper into a nice triangle for you, Princess?”
Heath snatched the towel off of Jake and shoved him out of the door in the same motion.
“You can air dry,” Heath said as he slammed the door in Jake’s face.
“Fuck you!” Jake hollered as he slid on wet feet into the hallway.
Heath pulled his pants down and looked around for something to read. To the right of the toilet he found a book of New York Times crossword puzzles. He blew a layer of dust off of it. The book was creased and folded to a puzzle from September 14, 1997. The entire puzzle was completed except for a few clues. One of the blanks was 35 down, “Math calculation.” Heath smirked to himself. Jake sucked at math.
When he was done, he flushed the toilet and thought about taking a shower. He pulled his pants halfway up. Heath looked up at the sound of Jake scratching at the door. He didn’t wait for an answer before barging in.
“Are you fin…?”
Jake lost his words as he leaned onto the doorknob. Heath’s jeans were hovering below his hips, his sandy pubic hair showing. Heath looked down at himself and up at Jake again.
“Can I take a picture of you like that?” Jake asked, not taking his eyes off of Heath’s crotch.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
A grin flickered across Heath’s face. “Ok.”
Jake returned with his camera. Heath was never one to enjoy posing and preening for a photograph. But he understood why Jake wanted this. This was a picture to comfort Jake in the days to come; a migration of memories between trysts and proof of desire deferred. Heath pushed his hands down the front of his jeans, and spread the unzipped fly further apart. He looked into the camera, projecting every salacious thought he ever had about Jake onto the lens.
Jake whistled high between his teeth and snapped his shot. “Just in case you were wondering, that whole thing you usually do to try and downplay your looks? It doesn’t work.”
Heath shrugged and shuffled his feet. “I’m going to take a shower, ok?”
“All yours,” Jake said, shutting the door behind him.
“I want to get on my hands and knees for you.”
“I don’t have a lot of control with that position, it does things to me,” Jake breathed.
“I don’t want control,” Heath whispered, “I want to get fucked.”
Jake groaned and pushed Heath onto his stomach. Heath quivered with anticipation as he listened to Jake get the lotion and come up close behind him. He felt his mouth water when Jake spread his legs and slid the tip of his finger in. Heath tried to breathe and willed himself to relax. He had never felt so vulnerable, and so sexy.
Jake rotated his finger a bit and pulled Heath onto his hands and knees by his waist. Heath loved being moved and lifted, loved the strength of the body above him. Heath pushed back onto Jake’s finger, so ready, wanting to give everything he had. He could hear Jake’s ragged breathing and felt himself being stretched, tremendous pressure, a tight burning along his entire backside.
“Ah…uh….God!” Heath choked out. Jake pushed a little further and Heath held onto the edge of the bed next to the wall, swatting the pillow onto the floor.
“Mmm…burns,” Heath managed, exhaling sharply and gripping the bed tightly.
Jake stopped pushing and covered Heath with his body, laying his head on his back, ear to spine.
“Shh, it’s ok, best to push back, and breathe deep, it won’t burn much longer, not in a bad way,” Jake coaxed.
Heath pushed back onto Jake and thought about all of the times he wanted to be with him and couldn’t be. Jake met his pace and reached around to stroke Heath gently at first, listening carefully for the rhythmic hitches in his breathing to let him know when he could go faster. Heath felt the first signs of pleasure moving through his body and he dropped his head to gather himself. Jake was still hanging on to that bit of composure. Heath reared hard against his cock and moaned what was echoing though his head, “fuck me…fuck me.”
“Jesus…Heath, you feel…uhhhh….mmmm” Jake grunted and thrust deeply, pulling Heath’s hips up with him using one hand, pumping Heath’s cock with the other.
The foundation of the bed started to creak and pitch into the wall. Jake stroked Heath inside and out; his body stripped and fully breached. If this was queer-his knees creaking, sweaty back thrown out and twisted, knuckles crushed between the wall and the mattress, Jake relentless with his body’s beckoning-then queer, at the moment, was pretty goddamn good.
Heath was beginning to settle into the sensation of being penetrated when Jake pushed downward and Heath was blinded by the most intense pleasure he had ever felt. It almost hurt it was so good and he coughed out Jake’s name; clutching at the sheets, stuffing the fabric into his mouth, biting down hard. Jake’s voice vibrated through his shoulders.
“I’m going to let your dick go, and you won’t even need me to stroke you, baby.” Jake murmured. He thrust over and over at the right angle and Heath bit harder onto the sheets, his body swept into a frenzy, his throat unable to make a sound. The orgasm slammed into him with such force that he felt his ears pop like he was driving up the side of a mountain. Instead of pumping him harder, Jake was nearly still when he spilled inside, raised up on his arms, and rocking gently against Heath’s back. He was moaning something Heath couldn’t make out, but it sounded beautiful, whatever it was.
If Heath didn’t accept it in every way before, he could deny it no longer. This love was his truth, the same truth that was waiting for him on every train, doors opening to the same station. Heath had never believed in over-used expressions of love, like soul mates or destiny. His love for Jake didn’t need a grand title, it was plain. It was not born perfect and fully formed; it grew and fed organically, not thwarted by denial, and self-sustaining in its single purpose to transform a crossroads into one path. He had spent years and months trying not to imagine what lie beyond the borders of friendship. They were both wanderers on an unmapped terrain.
Nothing needed to be said, every move and touch was a declaration, call and response. Nothing except a final spasm of the heart alighting on the dim stillness, “I love you, G.”
Neither of them wanted another doorway goodbye. Heath left Jake in bed, kneeling for a kiss. Jake smiled and took Heath’s hand. Heath rolled Jake’s yellow bracelet off of his wrist, pulled it onto his own. Jake cleared his throat and looked away. Heath got up briskly with his bags, and walked out the front door, hoping that he had left Jake with as much as he was taking with him.
He fished into the box for the note he knew was there and found a small, ecru card covered in Jake’s lowercase script:
can i have my bracelet back, now?
i know this is not your thing, i want to, let me.
semper fidelis,
g.
He did his best to stifle a smile, but it was impossible. No one had ever bought him an extravagant gift, because he spent so much time preaching about deplorable, materialistic excess. He almost laughed out loud at how it was so like Jake to ignore him, to reach the part of him that wanted to be fussed over. Heath held the bracelet up to catch the sunlight before bringing it to his nose, only a trace of what he needed there. He slid open the toggle clasp and folded the bracelet over his wrist. Heath’s words would be useless with Jake now. He had seen him, knew him. Just as Heath knew that Jake used his sense of humor to keep people at a distance, Jake knew that Heath created rules that were meant to be broken, not obeyed. Jake had spent $1,000 of his rich boy money on him and Heath loved the goddamn thing so much, his dick was hard.
Heath held the picture in his hands and wondered how the most beautiful things in his life had become ugly; the sublime made serrated, cutting and slashing at what little bravery he had left. He fingered the edges of the photograph, looking into his own eyes, missing the feelings that had inspired the image. That moment had belonged to him and Jake. Someone else had intruded on what was theirs and removed it from its home, stealing love and repackaging it as a dormant threat.
He dialed Jake’s number without even thinking about it; too hungry for relief to not ask for what he wanted.
“Waassup, Big Joker?” Jake answered, ebullient and full. “Promise me you’ll keep the costume. You acting all psychotic and dark; that could be sexy. Can I be Robin?”
“I need you,” Heath cut in. He paused to gather himself.
“There was a time when I would have cared about how that sounded or how it would make me look to say that. I don’t care anymore.” Heath sat down hard on the couch and let the words tumble out. “My shit is so fucked and there are things I have to say to you that I can’t say over the phone.”
Jake’s eyes flickered fire like blue pilot lights of a gas stove.
“This is the fuck why I did NOT want to fucking get involved with you!” He hurled his wine glass over Heath’s head, sending Bordeaux and Baccarat exploding against the white wall in a purple sunburst.
Heath stood dumbfounded.
Jake laughed maniacally. “You know what the most hilarious thing is? I should know better, I’m rich and educated, right? But this whole deal is proof that I’m no better than any idiot on a pathetic talk show. I failed at the number one rule of relationships; namely, do not get involved with a married man.”
“I’m not mar-“
“I dare you; I dare you to finish that sentence.” Jake looked like he wanted to spit on him.
“You know what it is about you? You’re like a…an airplane that’s circling the airport, looking for the perfect spot, a safe place to land. There is no safe place, Heath! Land the plane, open your mouth, put the gun in, and pull the fucking trigger!”
“So what was all that talk about not breaking my baby’s heart, was that just bullshit to get closer to me, get me into bed?” Heath asked angrily.
Jake spread his arms apart whooping and gasping. “You think I had to say that to get you into bed? Please. Everyone knows that all anyone has to do is be on camera with you to catch your eye. Does the person even need a speaking part?”
“Fuck you, first of all. And secondly, just admit it; you were pretending to be Mr. Understanding and Supportive to get what you wanted!” Heath roared.
“You just don’t get it. This is not an equation, Heath, you can’t solve your way out of love using a logic proof. You want to make it philosophical and complicated, it’s very fucking simple. I don’t care what I said two months ago! That was before I had you, not even talking about sex, being with you, spending time with you. You had sex with someone else, and I don’t fucking appreciate it! I don’t care if it sounds irrational or retarded, that’s how I feel, and I don’t have to justify that to you or anyone else.”
Jake picked up the bottle of wine, threw the silver stopper on the floor and took a long swig from it.
Heath rubbed his temples. “You’re not being fair. You expect me to rearrange my life overnight, there is not just me to think about, I have to think about Michelle, Matilda, my career, that picture.”
Jake licked his lips. “So, fucking her helps you to think more clearly, that it?”
Jake pointed the neck of the bottle at Heath. “You’re not rearranging anything; you’re stalling, waiting for the magical solution to be bestowed upon you by the Fix-It-Fairy.”
“You can think all you want; it’s not going to change anything. You know what the truth is, you just want it to go down easy, and it won’t. It’s all over you, all over both of us. People still take pictures of us together. Why? Because everyone else sees it too, the same thing I saw in your eyes at the Promenade. You think you’re hiding that? And you know what else? I don’t give a goddamn about that picture. I go biking with whoever I want, I go to the Lakers’ game with whoever I want, I give flowers to whoever I want, and I’ll take pictures of whoever I want, and whoever doesn’t like it can suck my dick.”
Heath picked the picture up and turned it around to face Jake.
“Well perfect Jake, brilliant. You’re a big star, Hollywood royalty. And where does that leave me? It’s so easy, so easy for you to say. I’m not afraid of being gay in my own heart, but I don’t live in your world, either. I’m not you.”
Jake sighed, ran his hands through his hair. “No, you’re not me, because if we’re talking about acting, you’re better than me, and that should count for something.”
A moment passed and Heath could see the fight draining out of him.
“I feel like you’re waiting for something, waiting for me to say or do something. Being a star, having money, it’s not real. There’s just me, just Jacob. You want me to say something? I will, but it can’t be unsaid, and it’ll always be there between us.”
“Say it.” Heath said, his eyes shining.
Jake stepped closer to Heath, steadied his voice. “She doesn’t know you; she doesn’t understand you like I do. That quiet, sensitive part of your spirit, she can’t take care of it; protect it, the way I do. She can’t love you like I can.”
“I hate this shit,” Jake hissed. He leaned into Heath’s space, bumping shoulders, framing his body with outstretched arms, palms flat against the wall. “I don’t want you to leave but I’m also fantasizing about killing you.” Jake licked Heath’s lower lip and tugged at it, bit it.
The taste of his own blood raised the hairs on the back of Heath’s neck. He reached under Jake’s arm to turn the deadbolt on the door.
By the time Jake returned with the lube and condom, Heath’s pants were at his ankles.
Jake rolled the condom over Heath and spread the lube on him, quick and sloppy, tossing the tube and wrapper to the floor.
Heath pressed Jake into the wall, crossing his forearm over the front of his chest.
“You’ll never talk about leaving me again after I’m done with you.”
Jake smiled slow and wicked. “You trying to talk shit, now?”
“You like it?” Heath panted, stroking his cock through the rubber.
“Love it.” Jake leaned his forehead against the wall and spread his legs.
Heath leaned in close. “I’m going to sink every inch of this dick into your ass,” he growled into his ear.
Jake let a moan ripple out of his throat. “Mmm-hmm, talk to me.”
“You feel that?” Heath nudged his crack.
“Barely, that all you got?”
“Got a whole lot more.”
“Bring it,” Jake taunted.
Heath gripped Jake’s shoulder and pushed in hard. “You feel it now?”
“Yeeeaaahh, fuck…give it to me…uuuuhhhh, fucking…bitch.”
Heath pushed in to the hilt. “What do you think about when my dick is inside of you?” he whispered fiercely.
“I think about all…all…uuhhhhh…of the men and women who look at you and want this dick, and they can’t have it,” Jake breathed.
“Yeah, why? Why can’t they have it?” Heath stroked long and agonizingly slow, feeling each tremor and contraction all the way to his knees.
Jake palmed the wall and pushed his ass back onto Heath. “Because that shit is mine.”
“Whose is it?” Heath fairly sang.
“MINE. Your dick is mine. Tell me it is, fucking tell me…” Jake wiped the sweat from his forehead and pounded the wall with his fist when Heath stopped moving.
“You know it is,” Heath gasped. “You want this, you want your dick? Ready for me?”
Jake gritted his teeth. “Let loose, baby, break me in half.”
“Fucking amazing,” Heath whispered hoarsely.
“Definitely in the top five.”
“What’s number one?” Heath asked.
“That first kiss. It was the most exciting, thrilling moment for me, it was better than sex.”
Heath nodded and lifted his pants up but didn’t bother to fasten them.
Jake put his pants back on and sat in Heath’s lap, facing him. He knew it was one of his favorite positions. They stared at each other until Heath broke the silence.
“I’m sorry. I hurt you, I’m far from perfect, so I sure as hell hope that’s not what you’re after.”
Jake just gazed at him, not answering.
“Have I fucked it up completely? What can I do to make it right with us?” Heath held his breath, fearing the worst.
Jake pulled Heath in closer until their lips were inches apart.
It came out as the faintest whisper, but Heath heard it.
“Marry me.”
“This is what you meant by sending me this, wasn’t it? This is what you really wanted to say.” He stroked Jake’s cheek with the back of his hand.
Jake nodded, the corners of his mouth pulled down by the weight of his emotions.
“So, you want the whole thing, a cake? Registering for dishes and shit?
Jake’s eyebrows furrowed into his half-smile, half-frown face. “That’s like, a wedding. What I want is you, and everything that comes with you.”
“Matilda?”
“Especially her,” Jake said quietly, “but I know that might not happen.”
Heath chewed at his bottom lip and tugged on his earlobe. “Can I be a complete wanker, for one minute? I just want to hear it once, and never again will I be such a fucking girl.”
“I love you.” Jake’s eyes hovered somewhere between Heath’s nose and lips in an expression that whispered, “Come here…”
Heath closed his eyes and leaned into Jake.
“I, Heathcl…,” he began, the rest of his words tumbling into Jake’s mouth. The kiss vibrated restlessly between them as Jake sucked in air before he broke the kiss gasping. He leaned his forehead on Heath’s shoulder.
“Don’t fuck with me,” Jake murmured while tugging down hard on the belt loops of Heath’s jeans. Jake’s habit of pulling on his clothes had left him with a growing collection of torn T-shirts and underwear. It suited him just fine, actually.
Heath felt Jake’s skin moving, his cock hardening enough to make Heath shift to give it room. He looked up to see Jake staring at him.
“What?” Heath murmured.
“Is this…real, what we talked about, this whole night?” Jake was starting to shiver.
Heath held up his adorned wrist. “It’s as real as this. We may not get everything we want, but when we’re apart, every time you see a picture of me, I’ll be wearing this. The filming and the traveling will be tough, but my mind will be at ease, because every place I go will be just a stop on my way back to you.”
hear, hear: your thoughtless words are breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart